Poisoning

Being poisoned (by food or otherwise) is never any fun, but I successfully found a way to enhance the experience even more.

First, you need to successfully poison yourself. This part is easy.

1. Empty your RV's tanks. Do not wear gloves; they will impede the poisoning process! Note that you don't need to actually get any of the sewage on your hands during emptying; simply handling the hose should be sufficient.
2. Do not wash your hands. This is critical! Washing your hands at this juncture will force you to start over. It is helpful if there is an RV waiting to pull into your site so that you can feel rushed.
3. Eat a variety of finger food snacks while driving to your next destination. Foods like flavored chips that leave a coating on your fingers are especially good choices as they'll force you to lick your fingers repeatedly, making the poisoning process more effective.

Once poisoned, you can enhance the experience by following these easy steps:

1. Park at a campground with no amenities. National wildlife refuges are a good choice as they will only provide a gravel space on which to park along with a fire ring and picnic table. The key is to pick a campground that does not have full service bathrooms.
2. Make sure your power converter (the piece of hardware that converts from AC to DC to charge your RV's batteries) is broken. This will allow your batteries to fully run down, making them worthless. Since your RV's water pump runs on batteries, it will not be usable.
• As a bonus, try to have the batteries fully die at 2:30 AM, just a few hours before the effects of the poisoning kick in. This will allow you to fumble around in the dark, trying to figure out what is beeping now that your batteries are dead. Hint: it's your inverter.
3. If you have solar panels, be in an area of the country that is cloudy most of the time, which will help ensure that nothing is charging your dead batteries. Alaska is an excellent choice.

Hopefully your poisoning fully kicks in during the night for the optimal experience. Once it does, remember that you have no running water. Therefore, you should do the following:

1. Hike half a mile to the Ecoloo you saw during an earlier hike. Ignore the feeling of a knife turning in your stomach as you walk.
• Remember, you may be in bear country and being the middle of the night, you likely forgot your bear spray. Therefore, your option here is to pray.
2. Use the Ecoloo, hoping there is toilet paper in there. If you don't see any and start to panic, try looking above you. Someone may have stashed a roll on a high crossbeam.
3. "Wash" your hands in the lake near the Ecoloo.
4. Return to your RV, feeling much better.

This may be enough for most people, but if you want to reach the diamond level of poisoning, you may continue:

1. Wake up again an hour later, feeling worse than before.
2. Wake your wife up and ask her to go fetch water that you can use to flush the toilet so that you don't have to hike to the Ecoloo again.
3. Wait, trying not to die, while she opens every single compartment in the RV, looking for a container.
4. Wait a bit longer while she goes to the lake to get water instead of using the spigot in front of your RV.
5. Use your RV's toilet, flushing with the lake water. It will work surprisingly well.
6. "Wash" your hands with Lysol wipes followed by baby wipes.
7. Go back to sleep.
8. Repeat steps 1-7 as many times as you'd like. I recommend 4.

At this point, you will be 5 pounds lighter but should be feeling better, where "better" simply means "not about to die." You may now commence driving to your next destination. Make sure it has bathrooms and preferably showers which don't require an extra fee. An RV park with the word "resort" in the title is a good choice. It will cost a lot of money, but the bathroom and showers will be worth it since your backside will feel like it was sanded with 20 grit sandpaper.

And there it is. Follow these steps, and I guarantee you'll make memories to last a lifetime!